“Sizzling Señoritas”
by Weekend Guru(©Copyright 2006, Euro-California Esoteric Books, Ltd., All rights reserved. Originally published in The Reporter-Spain’s Review in English, Vol. 4, No.48, August 1996; written by Weekend Guru(current pseudonym). Inspired by book Love in Spain, found in a dusty Málaga library, author unknown.
“Andalucia is not a Mecca for rakish pilgrims and wandering libertines,” my American friend cautioned. Having lived here for several years, his romantic/hormonal impulses had landed him in disillusionment and he wanted to warn me, a newcomer, of the frustrations of chatting up, courtship, and sexual relations in the land of sultry flamenco dancers and disappointed Don Juan’s.
“Don’t be deceived by those senoritas guapissimas you see parading their adorable bums along Málaga’s Calle Larios or in the discos of Torremolinos,” he said, nervously gulping his beer and taking another strenuous drag from his cigarette. “Their only form of feminine revenge is to stimulate and provoke a man and then leave him burning with desire!”
He went on to give me a cynical lecture on Andalucian females: Women here can look at a man in a bold, masculine manner. They charm him with their vivacity, their sal; and sometimes like gypsies, albeit in milder form, use bawdy and provocative language. But, this doesn’t necessarily mean they’re sexually available.
In warlike flirtation rituals, as men attempt to ligar (chat up), women challenge them to a duel–like the flamenco dance in which the dancers stamp competitively–yet the women remain heroines of their honor, and thus men are left dissatisfied.
As a result, men are driven somewhat mad, and many surrender themselves to intellectual apathy, emotional dependence upon the female, and ineffectual attitudes (e.g., In a recent study, more than five million Spanish men said they did not use deodorant–and we could say this is more evident in Andalucia).
Family life as well accounts for men’s weakness under women and their faltering approach towards them. The mother dominates her songs with a strong, almost masculine power, alternately generous and harsh. She is irresistible- the sons are made dependent upon her.
In general, the women of Andalucia are very clever, and they know that stratagems are necessary weapon in the warfare between the sexes. As Don Quixote declared: “Love and war are all one; and as in war it is lawful to use sleights and stratagems to overcome the enemy, so in amorous strifes and competencies, impostures and juggling tricks are held for good to attain the wished end, so they not be in prejudice and dishonor of the thing affected.”
A woman’s ability to parrandear (engage in witty and flirtatious conversation) is almost as important as physical beauty. Displaying her verbal prowess with pointed retorts, she commands respect and arouses affection. She won’t make it easy for would-be seducers; she’s fully aware of the one thing most men are after and readily subscribes to the reasoning of Cervantes Cardenio: “As love in young men is not for the most part love, but lust (the which, as it ever proposeth to itself as his last end and period, is delight), so as soon decayeth and maketh forcibly retire that which was termed love; for it cannot transgress the limits which nature hath assigned it, which bounding are measures nature hath in no wise allotted to true and sincere affection.”
(©Copyright 2006, Euro-California Esoteric Books, Ltd.) All rights reserved.
Evidently, my friend wasn’t too happy with his love-life here and it took great effort to remain optimistic. But, still willing to take a risk, he flashed a Hollywood smile at an appetizing jovencita who had glided into the Torremolinos bar where we were having a drink and tapas. She immediately frowned and averted her eyes in peevish disgust, ordered a tinto de verano for herself and another girl, and then sashayed to her table, flaunting a seductive, tanned belly-button and buttocks that adhered to her skirt like grapefruits in plastic wrap.
“You see what I mean?” he said, angry with himself for not following his own hard-learned advice. “In the States this impudent display would encourage any self-respecting single man to immediately go and chat her up. Here in Andalucia beauty is worshipped superficially, and, at the same time, there’s this damned Catholic horror of the flesh and ridiculous need for honorable chastity!”
“Yeah, OK,” I reasoned, “But she didn’t say anything or even look at you. Just because she’s decked out for the fray doesn’t mean she’s obligated to invite you to a session of springy bedroom aerobics.”
Than Yank’s theories about the women of this region were of no use to him now as old romantic illusions flooded sweetly upon him– images of Moorish harem girls, beautiful españolas in black lace mantillas coquettishly gesturing with their fans, scented nights and moonlit serenades–and he eyed the two nubile chicas suggestively, perhaps hoping to lure at least one of them to Star-Striped sexual abandon.
They ignored his ardent gaze while they sipped their drinks and smoked nonchalantly. Behind the iron grate of their indifference, they remained serene as the bar’s stereo blasted a raucous Nirvana CD.
Surprisingly, after a few minutes, in which my friend continued to stare at them hopelessly, the girl with the enticing tummy walked over to us and asked for the time. My friend gallantly hopped to his feet, dropping cigarette ash in his beer; then introduced us and initiated a conversation. As they spoke, she looked brazenly with bewitching warmth into his eyes and fiddled carelessly with the elastic waistband of her turquoise skirt, as if she were about to peel it off her brown body at any moment.
Suddenly, her Antonio Banderas look-alike boyfriend arrived. She then smiled and said “Hasta luego” underneath affectionate kisses and cuddling from her novio, and the couple left the bar, giggling in the afternoon sun.
“As I was saying, Andalucia is not a Don Juan’s paradise…”
(©Copyright 2006, Euro-California Esoteric Books, Ltd.) All rights reserved. No part of this article may be reproduced or transmited in any form or by any means, electronic or mechanical, including photocopy, recording, or any information storage or retrieval system, without permission in writing from the author. (Publishing enquiries, serial rights, film rights contact here.)
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